May already wow....

Not really, infact time is going so slow I sometimes think the world has stopped ! I do however write on 2 more blogs apart from that, so trying to keep all 3 is quite hard when you have not got the motivation to even write one. But I think sometimes I need to continue to write so I have clue about dates and things that could prove helpful in the future. So from march, my last update quite a lot as happened actually, but nothing that's going to save the world, just bits and bobs. In no particular order, basically because I can not remember the order cos of the short term memory issue I suffer from. But at the moment I am lying here with my spinal stimulator fitted inside of my back. Ok it's only the trail, but its been in 8 days now and was fitted at Guys hospital in London on 11th May 2013. Jo came with me because she had no work with it being a Saturday, but I'm sure no matter what day it was she would of come with me, and I'm pleased she did. She been a great help this last year and of course I'm so grateful, that the girl I hope to spend the rest of my life with cares enough to want to be with me a cripple who can't really give her anything but my love. But I do try, and I know in the future I can repay her back. Repaying her hopefully with a nice big bungalow somewhere that accommodates all the animals and teddy bears..... But I have to wait for Matra to come good before I can afford to do that. But that's going off subject, so back to the trail. Once it was fitted and in theatre they then had to fine tune it so the electrodes produced the stimulator inside my spine. It's all freaky stuff messing with my spine and shit, but it went ok and by the second attempt to hit the spot for the pain they did just that. The stimulator was turned on and I was ready to go home that day. I basically have a remote control and I up the power when I am struggling with pain and reduce when I'm not. One of the conditions in the trail is to cut down on your pain medication, which I had done the week before by 50%. I lasted just 36 hours and I was in bits unable to move, so I sacked that and thought I can do it the night before the op which I did. The first 48 hours of the Op were great. I could not feel the pain and the machine was doing its job, which is to mask the pain. I have to remember this is not a cure, but to reduce the medication via this machine so I do not feel the nasty side effects of all the meds I take and try and get a little bit of life back to me. I posted on Facebook that all my troubles where over and this was awesome. I knew I was getting more than the 60% relief needed so I could go for the full implant, it then it started going downhill fast after that. The machine when fitted to you is only suppose to be on for 2 hours max and then off for 2 hours, and at first I did not really notice anything, but like mentioned after 2 days I started feeling a tremendous pain below my heart and around my side. It seemed to be under my ribs, and went away when I had to turn the machine off. But while it was off I started struggling with pain because the 50% reduction was starting to tell. When I fist starting taking all this pain medication, it took 2 years to get to the right dose so I was not in any pain, and I have tried 3 times previous to reduce the dose to see if I could get away with a little reduction, but all 3 times I had to go back up, and it proved it this time as well. 5 days after the OP I had to up my pain meds back to where they were which was disappointing, but while its on I go get the relief, although I struggle with this other pain and because its near my heart I don't think I can ignore it. I go back to the hospital tomorrow and I will have to tell them. Maybe it's just a wrong setting or placed to near something and next time it won't be such a problem. But of course the major factor is I won't be reducing my medication to enable me to get some life back, but I will be telling them it does work, and often I feel bad when even on this dose I'm use to, so I could still use it to help me then. Wether it's enough for the full implant or not I don't know, it's not up to me, but I will not lie just to get the full implant, I will be truthful. Of course I will update this blog with further news next time. What else has happened..... I still have not had my benefit sorted, and its now 13 months since I asked to be moved over to the support group. I have however got to the medical stage, and I did go for a medical just 2 weeks ago on the 6th May Tuesday or was it the 5th. Anyways I went and arrived at 3-55pm and was told there where 2 in front of me but would not have to wait long. By 4-30 the guy come up to me and said sorry no one will see me now its to late. I went ape shit. I had to travel to Guildford for this medical and from previous medicals I know how painful it is for me to get there and back. I was not happy at all and I'm amazed I kept it cool ish. It wasn't the guys fault, he was told to tell me, so I couldn't blame him and give him loads cos it wasn't fair to him. But hell I was mad. I was told another appointment would be made, so still 13 months on and still they continue to fuck me about with this benefit shite, and oh I still have not had my other appointment...... I don't know what else to do regards the benefit apart from wait. I just hope it all gets paid back. I have now been added to the mental health register. I went to the GP because of my mood swings and snapping at everybody and wanting to kill the world. Up north it might be normal behaviour, but down here they take it seriously and I was referred straight away to see the people in Dorking. Given on where I'm from, my take on the ethic people of this country and my utter hate for Muslims you can now guess who my doctor was at the mental health.... Although I had to sit there and tell her how I felt and what upsets me, see above.... I thought she took it quite well. I was getting more annoyed though as the session went on. I can't recall it but it was something to do with football and quite general knowledge, but she didn't have a clue, so I was getting more and more rattled with her. Jo said it was prob done on purpose to get a reaction from me. Well it almost worked. Anyways I was given some new anti depressants and after 2 weeks or so they kicked in. I still feel exactly the same mood wise, but now my sleep is all to pot. I can not sleep properly and I often find myself tossing and turning for hours just to get to sleep. On a normal night it's sleep about 2am from trying at roughly midnight. Jo gets up at 6am and although I go upstairs to sleep when she gets up and no matter how sleepy I am I then proceed to toss some more until about 11am sometimes later. I then sleep till about 4pm. I have tried everything to alter it but it doesn't work. So that's almost everyday ruined if I wanted to do anything. Weekends are bad because Jo is home so I spend a fair bit of time in the sofa bed. In turn that's ruined the poker with hardly, no that's completely no poker at all this month and its now the 20th. Compare that to last month and the rakeback I received back was €286. For this month it's about a quid.... Next up is Wings. The poor thing had a abscess the size of a golf ball under his chin, and eventually Jo took him to Cambridge to get treatment. We have given up with vets, they basically just rip you off and try and abuse your love for your pet to charge what the hell they like and still don't have a clue on how to deal with the problem. So the Wings was in Guinnea hospital after the abscess was lanced and drained. It was awful and the smell wasn't pleasant either. But after 5 days of draining on a daily basis they eventually allowed him back home and was discharged. Several days went pass and noticed it getting bigger again, but the research on the net said it will do this and eventually the body will absorb the blood back in. 3 weeks later I say to Jo this isn't right, the thing was the size of a bigger golf ball and she agreed that it needed looking at again, but this time did not have to travel to far. She went yesterday in the morning and came back with him which was a good sign..... But the abscess had returned and was drained. Again the smell was horrid and they drained about 100 grams of puss. He's only 800 grams to start off with, so you get an idea how big this thing was. He's had the shits for weeks as well, so all in all its been a bit messy. Jo is going to continue to drain it now and see where that takes us. He's been great though, proper little solider. No moaning or playing up. Hopefully next update I will be able to say he's fully recovered. What else...... Gran has been poorly, infact the entire nursing home has been poorly with Everyman and his dog catching a bug. No one could shift it either, and so my gran had a bad case, and just when you thought it had gone it returned with more vengeance. I was so worried I honestly thought it was the end for her. She is 88 and I stayed up north till the worst had passed or god forbid the angels took her, but she pulled through it and I still have my gran. I helped my dad buy a car, and again I stayed longer because he couldn't do it by himself and I had my car. He's now the proud owner of the car he has always wanted..... A Jag, and it suits him. Chuffed for him, I just hope it doesn't break down often. But again it was nice to help him. He's a proud and stubborn person who refuses help and everything will be fine, so defo nice to spend some time with him and help him get what he wanted. Currently sat on the train after going back to hospital to get the trail removed in London. I had it removed and spoke to the doctor, and straight away I know there is something not right. Last week before the Op I was speaking to a guy who also was having the trail and I bumped into him again today. He went in before me and just before he left to go home he spoke to me and told what they said and things. He was approved for the full implant right there and then and told me if I had holidays booked make sure I tell them so they can work round them. I was never asked about holidays. I was told I need to have another consultation with the top guy and see where we go from there. I filled out all the papers and told them it was the best thing since slice bread when it was on. Apparently even the full implant can only be on for 2 hours max at a time, which is why I will be knocked back for the full implant. I struggled after it was switched off. Maybe it's a case of waiting for an advance in technology so you can leave it on for more than the two hours max currently. So I guess that's that then, and its carry on regardless now. I could of just lied ! At the moment, that's all I think. Apart from this Friday is whit Friday and I shall be going up north per norm to celebrate it like every year for the last 45 yrs...... It's unreal that out of Mossley, no one has a clue what it's all about. Although its not the same these days with Aunty Aud no longer with us, and the pubs don't break any rules these days for opening up at 8-30am. It kind of spoils it when it's all legal. But last year I actually missed the walks because of the pain and sleepiness. There in the morning and I just couldn't do it. I was there for the afternoon and the bands and still met up with Aunty Aud's kids and its getting bigger every year now with cousins from other families joining in. We have the group photo and post it up on Facebook. I might try and have a drink this year, although I'm very limited to how much I can drink, with 2 being the max no doubt. I need to think about getting home to Jo as well because its a bank holiday weekend, so will prob travel up tomorrow night and come back Saturday night to avoid the traffic. I can't think of anything else, and of course every time I say that or write that I think of something else. Last time I was up north I made arrangements to go to the dogs in Manchester with my dad. He loves going and I get to spend some time with him to. Also get to ride in the new Jag as well! So there I was minding my own business and Mick Bolton walks past me near the bookie stands. I thought is it or isn't it, and although he's put a shit load of weight on I was certain it was him. Mick was my boss at Camfil when I had the works accident. I haven't spoke to him since I had the last meeting with him and Sarah thingy in her office at Camfil. That was the time she said sorry Darren, but its not company policy to get rid of anyone who has a accident, so we call it long term sick leave, and you'll be still on Camfil's books until you start another job. I don't what why they do that, and I do not know why it's any advantage to me because I don't receive anything from them at all. Anyways I shout his name and he turns and smiles and says Daz White, what you doing up here. It must be close to 5 years since we last spoke, and he reminds me of that and the email I sent him telling him its all his fault and I'm going to top myself..... Of course I was angry back then with him because I thought he didn't give a toss, but he says, what could of I done. To be honest his hands where tied and he still had his family to think of as well. It all comes flooding back to me and I remind myself that its true, and it wasn't the first time I took the wrap and saved someone's job who was going to get sacked along with me at UK Metals many moons ago. So we make up and chat, and I ask if he knew how much compensation I settled for. They wouldn't tell him upstairs, so I have great pleasure in telling him, and then makes me feel worse by saying I should of got half a million for what I've had to go through....... I was glad to bump into him, he was good to me and we had some good laughs, and he respected me and what I could do in London with that van. He asks how I been and I ask about him and we shake hands again and I say I'll email him, which I still need to do. I then promptly bang £40 on a dog cos its the last race before me and father go and it romps home at 9/2 meaning I win £220 happy days...... Until next update thanks for reading!

How can one post

How can one post on the blog if your partner is always using it..... That's right, since Jo starting playing a virtual horse game where you have to look after it and do everything for it I can not seem to get a look in edge ways. But I love her and its good that she is so engrossed into something other than work. I on the other hand have ventured up north yet again and I was due to come back after 5 days, but my father was screwed because his car had died a death and at is age I felt it was a lot easier if I helped him out. So I stayed a couple of extra days. I checked the net out and short listed some cars for him and he opted for a diesel Jag on a 55 plate with just 85k miles on the clock and all for £3k bar £25! I helped out with the cash as well with a loan for a grand. I felt it was worth paying a little bit extra and picking something up that wasn't going to fall to bits inside 2 years which is what seems to happen to his cars. He's been into Mondeo's for years so it was nice he went for the Jag. We agreed the price and agreed the deal but he had to slap a 12 month MOT on it, since the old one only had 6 weeks left. I then left and went back home, all sorted..... NOT. The car failed the MOT on emissions and for some reason unknown to me because my brother ja is now sorting it out because father refuses to have a phone, so he's the inbetween, father still has not got the car a week after I left. It all should be good but you know don't you, if you leave something before its finished its going to fuck up..... Anyways it was nice to be able to do something for dad who is quite stubborn, but its always great to get back home. But once the weekend had gone which infact was topped off with a very nice meal in Boxhill near Dorking on the Saturday night it was back to work for Jo and it killed me. The depression was real bad, and what happens when I get really bad with depression..... I hit the slots. Not with anyone's money but my own, well I say my own its infact my poker bankroll, and after some pretty heavy losses I know I have to do something about it, and prove to myself that I do not have a problem to the extent I can over come the urge ok with a little help, and that help involved moving my poker bankroll onto just one poker site which already has the casino and games on the site banned from me using it, and the reason I chose that site was because if I felt the urge and wanted to play any casino games I have to wait for the withdrawal to go through which takes 3 days, and not like some sites which is instant. So it's my way of dealing with the problem, but its so much a comfort thing when I dying of depression it is hard. But overall with my Jesus challenge, rake-back funds and small bits on various sites ( not enough to warrant me using it for the casino knowing that once its gone from there I can not play on that site again ) stands at roughly $8k. I want to use that now for my platform and start working towards building it up and using some funds to maintain my lifestyle so essential going pro at poker. The good thing is I have found some games that profitable, I have found some games that help with my VIP levels on other poker sites, and thus helps me with my rake-back deals. I can even afford to be a losing player or break even player and still make a decent ( wage ) with the deals and points I collect over time. But gone are the days when I just use to nit up and play so tight that everybody on the table would instantly fold if I played a hand. It is now me who is the aggressor these days, but that comes at a price, and the price it comes at is the variance of the games I play, ie hyper turbo HU STT and Zoom & rush cash games 6 max. But also the cap games on Stars. I played enough in just 5 days since my return from up north to maintain my VIP level on stars, and also make the highest VIP level in a week on OnGame which allows me into a free-roll which normally gets 15 runners max and with x3 $525 tourney tickets up for grabs kind of makes it a good deal. Even by lack of skill and pure luck I'm sure I can manage two if I play it every week until the end of the year, and by doing that I will of made it 5 yrs running that I have won more than $1k in free-roll winnings in a Calendar year, which is kind of impressive I think you might agree. So I have some ground plans and since the last update my luck seems to have improved, well I was running worse than I had for a while, so it wasn't that hard to run better. I just hope I can keep my head clear. It is a struggle even over the last week like you have read, but still managed to put the poker together and well, you've just read it, so I know I have got it. I also want to try and play a few more tournaments than I have been doing, but that isn't quite so easy. I'm getting tired very easy and the back has been playing up with too much sitting than normal, but I shall see. I think that's enough for the time being, and will update again soon.

Oh man

The poker gods have been cruel today. How many times did I walk KK into AA and how many times did I lose with AA. It was a lot that's for sure. Having managed to hit silver on stars in the VPN level and gold on tilt, along with the 4th tier on Ipoker, I set off today to try and improve on those but at least try and maintain the levels. My biggest drop was playing on the bad beat tables on micro gaming. There jackpot is over €850k and still growing, so I played just he one table full ring, and the first orbit was dealt 22 in the BB. 1 raise and I call and hit the set. The river pairs the board and also makes 3 to the flush. Not worried at all and get it all in only for him to show a bigger set of 3s. So that was short work of a hundred euro. I must of hit tilt and was hyper aggressive until I realised and took time out for a few hours. I did return and duly dumped another two buy ins, but I seem to have pulled some back towards the end because the balances were not far off. On to other things, and I went to the GP this morning regarding my mental state, and the GP referred me to some phycartrist. I know it's spelt wrong but I don't give a fuck.... Anyways I received the call and was assessed and I have been referred to CBT and anger management. They don't think I'm a danger to the public on the basis I don't go out. I shall wit and see what happens but it's looking like there going to alter my medication to something more stronger, so ill be zonked more than I am I guess. Will update when I can.

Grim up north

Not blogged for a while, and that's because I have been up north. Yes up north to sort family things out per normal. I don't mind really, it's family stuff and although it needs to be done its good to see my gran and also met up with my dad and this time round got to see my other sister Joanne. I went up late Sunday night, and it didn't start well when the M1 was flashing long delays, so I had to travel via my worst route the M6 via the M40. But I made good time and finally got into Mossley 3 hrs and 10 mins later for my quickest time. I don't speed major, but about 80 mph is the quickest, but steady 80. I had my worst night in my mums bed on Sunday night as well, which was quite disturbing. Although I am really freaked out with bumps in the night, basically because of my childhood at my dads house, I know it's my mums bed, and if anything was going to happen it would be my mum if anyone to appear. I didn't go to see her in the chapel of rest for the very reason of flash backs, and having spoken to our ja and sisters they all have had flash backs. But once I had the light on for an hour I felt comfortable enough to turn the light off and drifted back off to sleep without further incidents for the rest of the trip. It was good to see my dad, and although I didn't manage to get him any tobacco I did manage to get him some chip fags which he bought off me for £140. It's always good to see him, and I did arrange to meet up with him for next time I'm up and go to the dogs, but I remembered my Jo is off next time I'm up mid week so will have to cancel with dad but hell be ok, and will look forward to the next time. Gran was good to see me and its always great to see her. I miss her loads when I'm not up there. It must be hard for her, cos she doesn't trust anyone else apart from me. She's still been on the whiskey and had to go out and get her another bottle, but if it helps her through the night then so be it. She did ask me to get Mary some chocolates, but I told her flowers would be better for her. Mary goes out of her way to help gran and always goes that extra mile, and gives my gran showers when really isn't suppose to do as many as she gets. So just bought her some Carnations and give them to her. Was quite surprised to receive a text message today saying thank you and it's appreciated. So I guess that worked and did the trick, and if it helps my gran it can only be good. Met our ja who went to watch the Everton and Oldham game, but had a chat to him, and he's booked the summer hotel down in Newquay with John and uncle Mick. There planning on flying which obvious John will love. I enjoyed the time up north, but as always its great to get home and meet my Jo Jo..... It was a pity she had to work today, but I made her a nice tea and currently snuggled up together on the sofa bed. Re the poker front, I have played some rush and zoom while up north, but the Internet still wasn't working, so had to hope the WiFi held up and to be fair it did the job. I thought about it over the time up north, and want to try and make some cash while playing the cash games. But I do miss playing the tournaments. It's a shame but if you do well your looking at hours playing. And although the return is great its hard work. But in time I might try again. Although I played a tournament tonight and I managed to win it on PKR, ok it was only a Sat into the final Sat into the masters, but winning a $49.50 ticket was a nice return for the 2 hrs it took to win. The cash game is going good. Although I play quite an aggressive game, I do manage to get carried away sometimes though and make some stupid rash plays and it costs me, but it can go the other way as well so swings and roundabouts really. Overall I'm pleased with win rate, and the fact I'm playing fast poker on Poker770 will be good for the rakeback as well, which is going towards my spends for Vegas.

Happy birthday to me....

Well I didn't want a big song and dance this year round for my birthday, because basically its the first since losing mum and just doesn't seem right or maybe its just me. People will say yes but life must move on, and there correct, but in my time and when I'm ready to move on. I miss her so much and I'm having a hard time letting her go. I normally love my birthday, with loads of fun and Jo always books the day off work and the same this year, but instead of fun I wanted a quiet day. Don't get me wrong I still had a great day, and maybe cos I was not on my own. But we did things we normally do, but defo low key this time. We went into town and had coffee, but that wasn't without drama when a random guy just screamed out and next thing was on the floor fitting. People and Jo were really upset with this and the guy got up while being calmed by staff and staggered outside. He didn't have a clue where he was, but eventually the paramedics turned up and left with him. I asked Jo to buy me a iPad cover for my gift, but Argos didn't really have that much of a choice, so need to check Amazon. I just remembered that..... We obviously forgot. But while in town I remembered about the WPT Magazine I collect so called into Smiths to see if the new mag had come out. It had and straight away turned to the letters page and boom, my email I sent in after winning this very iPad along with $540 to say thanks and wanted to dedicate it to my mum who had just died, had made the star letter and a full page spread was there for all to read. I will post it after I finish this blog. But I also now collect a £300 chipset for being the star letter. That's two in two days in chipsets..... We went for a nice meal in Fetcham at the local curry house, and had my fav of Tandoori mix grill. Jo had a veg curry and we shared a mushroom rice. Very nice of course and per norm. That was it, my birthday. But still had time to thank everyone on all Facebook individuals who wished me best wishes. No poker played at all today, but it did snow a little bit..... Back up north it was always a standing joke that it snowed on my birthday year after year, so was nice to see it today....... Overall had a good day, but only because of my Jo doing what Jo does best, and that's just be there......

The day got better.....

Just like the title suggests. It started out bad with me waking up at 12-30 pm after a awful nights sleep, or lack off should I say. It's the same every night, I struggle to drop off and by the time I do, I'm so knackered by the time Jo wakes up in the morning, that I drop off almost as soon has my head hits the pillow. So I wake up and god I'm depressed, it's getting worse day after day. It's the loneliness that's doing it, because Jo is at work. But I managed to get dress in the house that's freezing cold. I have never known a house to be so cold. So while shivering away I take the meds and make my Weetabix and wish my sister a happy birthday. Just 37 today she is.... Fire up the computer, and check my shares and emails. Nothing exciting and feel so down. I fire up a couple of tables and can't recall if I had a winning session or not, but I didn't play for long. But I felt tired once the meds kicked in, and once again I have to have a snooze. I watch a programme about the human body from sky and it was about the first breath to the last breath we take and it shows a man taking his last breath, and of course brought all the feelings back about mum dying, and could not stop crying for ages. But before I knew it, Jo had phoned and told me she was on her way home. At last I start to pick up. Nothing exciting for tea, cos she said she wanted something light, cos she was suppose to be home late. I warmed up my curry from the night before and Jo had mushroom omelette with baby spuds. It was at that time I entered a freeroll. I had forgotten about them with everything that's gone on this week, and it was the first time I had played a MMT in a while. On top of that I entered into the GSOP step 1 for $ 1.05 and there basically a lotto style sat. Everyone is all in every hand until the prizes are decided. I ended up finishing 2nd twice in a row and got free tickets to play again at the same level, and the 3rd time I managed to win a step 2 ticket for $14-70. I entered into the next available tournament and boom won that to, and so I now have the final stage GSOP ticket worth $210. They only run once a week on a Sunday and normally have 3 packages up for grabs with about 40 runners. I have won two packages already and been to Malta and of course just returned back from Vienna. But it will be awesome to win a package for just $1-05. So I was buzzing from that, and I ended up winning the freeroll and now await a chipset branded from PokerHeaven. Not bad for nothing. Spent sometime after with Jo and did a bit of filing. I need to get all my paperwork in order. I need to submit my forms and letters so I can get my benefits sorted, but I can't find them, hence the filing of the crap I have all over the house. I'll be 45 in the morning, yes birthday boy, but do not feel like celebrating. Mums death is killing me, I know people say you get over it and all that. But I have not experienced death before, having lost no one close. I have been very lucky in that, but this is killing me good and proper. Anyways hopefully below you should see my screenshot of my win tonight......

Well that's that then.

It seems its time to move on, so today that's what I have done. I said my piece in the PPP committee thread and told them it would be unfair to ban me with what I said, and it only being said on Skype and not on the forum, I also stated that if they want to go down that road, that I want to make a formal complaint over other members of the committee, but said I didn't want to do that, and that I would ban myself for a year. It remains to be seen if I get booted or not, but meh I'm moving on. I made an appointment at the GP for Friday 1st march @ 7-50am, yes that's correct am.... I need to explain about my really swingy mood swings and wanting to kill everybody I speak to. But I don't know what's on offer. A counsellor is going to be ages away and I will be limited to prob just 6 sessions, and nothing like the 18 months I had with chris Dunn. I guess they could alter my medication as well. But I'm going to be straight with them and see what happens. I set up another Skype account up today so I don't have to keep signing into the old account and that ways don't have to looking at the people from PPP on there. I have also deleted the forum from my favourites and I will not bother going on now until my birthday next year. I have just added my mate Los and organic rakeback who are my poker company I use for my rakeback deals on various sites I play at. My brother rung tonight, John who lives in the house where he and mum lived before she died. He likes living there and I try and get up to support him whenever I can, but he phoned tonight and seemed very nervous like. Kept asking when I was coming up next, and I got it out of him that someone had come to the house and phoned and it seems to have rattled him. So I need to get up there ASAP so it's going to be Sunday night now. I plan on coming back the Thursday night, so I make the GP appointment the following day. That way, I'm there for him while my other brother is on the late shift, and I can sort this problem with people knocking on the door and how to handle it. He's special needs but since mum died he's come on leaps and bounds and I am very proud of what he's accomplished in the short time mum has died. I did play some poker today, and I played on Ipoker at the rush tables but for Ipoker, can't recall what they call it on Ipoker. I played two sessions, one in the early afternoon and dropped two buy ins, and played the other session in the early evening and made it back and ended up half a buy in up. But with the rakeback deal I have anything above break even and above is good. I actually played on the 6 max tables today. I hate it but I want to try my hand at it all now, and the most action is always 6 max. Playing full ring is hard to find tables so I want to get use to the smaller tables. No phoned today as well from work which was nice, cos I am so depressed when she isn't around, and to hear her voice was a real boost for me. Ok it didn't last too long, but broke the day up. I hate being on my own, my depression is at its worse, but I can't do anything about it. We also did a bit of filing tonight. I want to try and get my suit in order, so sorted the bank stuff out tonight, and tomorrow it's the turn of the car stuff. Little bits everyday Jo is always telling me...... I love her so much xx so I will of course miss her when I have to go up north again on Sunday. But the more I get done up there means I don't have to visit quite as often, so in the long run it will be good. And come summer and warmer weather, me and Jo can have the walks we use to have last year. Overall it's been a hard day. I have made the decision that my operation needs to be put back like the doctor suggested at the time, my head is just there and I can see why he wanted me to wait, so I'm gutted yes of course, but in the long run I want it to work, and if that means waiting till my head and shit are together well so be it, I'll wait then.